


Halloween

by BastardSirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fanart, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 02:29:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8603680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BastardSirius/pseuds/BastardSirius
Summary: Inspired by/Quotes from: "Halloween" by Meg & Dia.Remus learns about Remus' death and grieves for James and Sirius.





	

**Author's Note:**

> EXPLANATION PLEASE READ: "Present" simply means the current timeline, while "Past" means any memory from the past. So anything that says "Present" is chronological from beginning to end, whereas "Past" parts are just random memories from over the years. This is confusing I know but I hope it makes sense when you read...

***

**I've decided I'm done**

**Don't care to move on**

**Not used to losing someone**

*** 

**Present**

 

It hits Remus like cold lake water on a warm summer day. His bones are frozen, his lips trembling. He looks at the piece of parchment before him and tries to make sense of it. Just a single sentence in perfect cursive. Somebody who doesn’t know their meaning might mistake it for a student practicing their handwriting with poetry quotes.

 

_The stag is sleeping with the doe._

 

It is hard to believe that this short sentence is telling Remus that his brother and sister are dead. That’s what they are to him, James and Lily. His family.

The Order’s codenames aren’t too complicated or difficult to guess; their secrecy is mainly around locations and plans of attack. Their dead they never write about, to ensure the enemy isn’t aware of their numbers or success. The verb ‘sleeping’ they use when talking to each other in case they are being listened to. It doesn’t surprise Remus that they have made an exception for him and sent him a letter.

Remus takes a sip from his cup, realizes it is stone-cold, and gets up to pour himself some fresh tea. As he’s readying the kettle his movements are instinctive and easy. It doesn’t feel different, or new. Same as it ever was.

 

_Except James is dead._

 

He sits down and stares at the parchment before him, trying to force his brain to understand. They read just like random words, nothing special. Even the thought “James is dead” does not feel real. It doesn’t seem possible that if he were to apparate to their doorstep, nobody would answer.

He thinks of all the good times they have had. Some moments jump out at him the way some ghosts say their life did, before they died. He remembers when he first met James.

James had sat down across from Remus after being sorted, and extended a small eleven-year-old hand with a grin. “Nice to meet you. Lupin, right?” So simple, and yet James had been the first one to ever introduce himself to Remus. Growing up as a werewolf, he had not exactly been social. It had felt normal in a way that made Remus’ heart ache.

Of course, being Marauders, many of their memories were tied to the ‘projects’ they got up to. The Map, becoming Animagi… So many big achievements done through weeks and months of studying and laughter in the dormitory. They would check out all the books they could take from the library and bring food from the kitchens in their sometimes-weekend-long sessions of trying to perfect a charm or spell. It’s easy to take things for granted when you are living them but even back then Remus had known that those times would be the happiest of his life.

 

_The Marauders._

 

The smile on his lips disappears.

 

_The stag is sleeping with the doe._

 

Why hadn’t it been Sirius who wrote the letter? Or Peter? He reads the letter again.

 

_The stag is sleeping with the doe._

 

It is Dumbledore’s handwriting without a doubt. No sign of Sirius’ drawn-out ‘g’s or Peter’s boxy ‘e’s. Remus tries to think of explanations but shoots them down one by one. If they had been dead, Dumbledore would have written so. If they were in hiding, the same.

 _Maybe they are missing,_ Remus thinks, tense shoulders relaxing slightly. _Yes, they are not dead, they probably went out to hide on their own. No body, no news, that’s why nothing in the letter_.

~

Dumbledore comes to visit three restless days later, and tells Remus what has happened. Apologizes for not having given more information before - “I had to make sure, Remus,” he says softly and Remus almost believes him.

~

Remus had been waiting for a reunion, deep down. His brain had long been telling him otherwise but he had still been hanging on to the hope, he realized as a single tear ran down his scarred cheek. Even with the mistrust and distance that war had brought between them he had been hoping that after the war they would be together again.

Long after everybody’s gone, Remus touches James’ gravestone.

“How will I live without you, James?”

He doesn’t name the other brothers he has lost. Today it’s only James he can think about.

 

***

**If I lost faith**

**Was no choice I made**

**Accept the excuse of no one**

*******

**Present**

Remus has always known how to look presentable in the shortest amount of time, due partly to his condition that he has to hide and partly to his personality. The Marauders could have been up until dawn drinking and he would look clean and fresh in a class at eight in the morning.

When Dumbledore comes to his apartment even he does not expect what he sees, even though he had been suspecting it from the rumors he has heard. Remus is sitting on a tattered rug, not even bothering to pretend to care about somebody apparating into the middle of his living room.

Dumbledore spends the next ten minutes telling Remus about a good opportunity to come back to Hogwarts as an assistant Professor to help cover when one of the Professors gets sick or students need tutoring. It doesn’t work, Remus refuses as politely as a drunk man can.

“Don’t let the past trap you, Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore advises before he takes his leave, “That is not what Mr. Potter would have wanted for you.”

 _What do you know?_ Remus thinks, _What do you know about what I lost?_

“Thank you, Headmaster,” he replies.

 

*******

**Your careful silence can't replace**

**Your stupid smile**

*******

  


Sometimes, even after they had become Marauders, Remus had wished for peace and quiet. He loved his friends and had fun with them but he also loved reading and learning with a passion that they did not understand.

**Past**

“Mooooooony,” Sirius moaned for the third time as he leaned back on the chair across from Remus at the library. “Stop ignoring me! I’m bored!”

“Padfoot,” Remus sighed, not stopping his note-taking, “You can just leave. You’re not the one studying, I am.”

“But Prongs is at Quidditch practice,” Sirius whined.

“Good for him,” replied Remus, “Go do something productive yourself and leave me alone like the other two.”

As if on cue, a muddy James walked up to them, Peter trailing behind him, carrying his broom and bag.

“Let’s get out of here,” James said, “I just got a brilliant idea and had to grab you so we can start working right away.”

“You haven’t even showered yet, mate,” Sirius laughed, getting up all the same.

“Brilliance does not care about time or space, it comes to me when it does. I’ll shower when we’re back in the dorm.”

For a few moments Remus thought they might let him study for the test tomorrow but it wasn’t to be. James started packing Remus’ books but after he shifted the first book Remus cried out “Don’t touch them! You have mud all over your hands.”

“Fine,” James sighed, faking disappointment, “I know you don’t like us touching your girlfriends. Just pack already, will ya’?”

Remus did pack, and they went up to the dormitory to plan out a particularly intricate plan to ruin Herbology forever for a few students.

After the rest had gone to sleep, Remus stayed up until three in the morning studying. He loved his friends but they weren’t going to be the reason for his not getting an ‘O’ on Transfiguration.

~

It wasn’t until The Prank that they ever let him be. It had made them see just how easy Remus’ life was to destroy. In a twisted way, Remus was glad at the newfound respect he was getting from the boys. Before, being unprejudiced, good-hearted young wizards, they simply hadn’t cared about what Remus’ body might turn into once a month. Now, they understood what that meant for the rest of the month. How studying at Hogwarts was difficult - and a blessing - for Remus.

Immediately after The Prank, the Marauders had fallen into an eerie silence. Only short sentences uttered, and there was no laughter. Remus had only been able to take a month of the quiet until he gave in and made a joke himself to try and diffuse the tension. It worked and slowly, the smile and laughter came back. They were the Marauders again. Not the same, but together and happy.

They hadn’t changed their ways right away, but people don’t change quickly. Slowly but surely, they had become a little less mean about pointing out others’ mistakes and did less showing off. Perhaps because he had been part of what changed them - or perhaps because he was the only one actively trying to get all of them expelled - Snape did not seem to get the better treatment others had been enjoying. In fact, they seemed even more vicious about Snape than ever.

Lily, being close to Snape, had tried to reason with them more than once to leave Snape alone. She had gone to Peter first who had told her Snape deserves the hate he gets from James for practicing Dark Magic. Next she had tried Remus, who she had enjoyed several conversations with before in the past, thinking he could be the voice of reason. But Remus had only answered with a sad sigh and told her that he had no power to stop them. Sirius had laughed and asked her why Snape wouldn’t leave them alone if he wanted to be left alone himself. Lily hadn’t talked to James, thinking he was too far gone to convince.

In the end, she had decided that Remus was the best chance she had. She had to stop the gang - “Marauders,” they were calling themselves - from attacking her best friend at every turn. She had not gone out of her way to get alone time with Remus, but had made good use of the times when they were paired together in a class or alone in the common room. Slowly she found herself talking about things not even related to Snape when they were together. Somehow, they had become friends.

~

Having not spoken to James Potter past short rejections and eye rolls for years, Lily was surprised when she heard him as she was walking to her and Remus’ usual study spot in the library.

“Moony, you should be resting,” James was telling Remus and Lily got closer to hear more.

“I promised her I would help her with this essay - you, more than anyone, should care about that.” Remus’ attempt at teasing.

“Come on Moony this isn’t funny, just tell her you’re not feeling well - it’s the truth.”

James sounded so concerned, Lily didn’t know what to make of it. She had never thought of James as caring for anybody except himself.

“It’s not so bad, Prongs. It’s only a few hours of studying anyway,” Remus protested.

“I already don’t get why Madam Pomfrey let you out so early, don’t make it worse by not getting the rest I am sure she made you promise to get.”

“I’ll keep it short,” Remus said, giving in, “I won’t be here all night, I promise.”

As she walked towards them she caught a glimpse of James Potter looking at his friend with pursed lips and concerned eyes, almost as if he was fighting the urge to carry him out of the library by force. It reminded Lily of how her mother got when she was ill.

**Present**

Remus misses the support he had in his friends - without a doubt, he does - but he misses their happiness and smiling faces more than he ever did their concern. Their happiness had made _Remus_ happy.

 

*******

**Casseroles and handshakes can't restore**

***

**Present**

Remus is puzzled when his mother hands him a casserole dish.

“What’s this for, mum?”

“Aren’t you going to a funeral?”

Remus blinks and has to think for a few moments before he understands what his mother means. She’s thinking of muggle traditions. Being mostly around wizards - or alone - he has forgotten about that. Muggles give food to the deceased person’s family sometimes, he knows.

He doesn’t tell his mother that James was a Pureblood and wouldn’t have a muggle wake, or that Lily’s only remaining family does not care to even have a funeral.

~

As people nod and shake Remus’ hand, he wonders how many of them knew James Potter the Golden Child, James Potter the Brilliant Auror, James Potter the Prankster, James Potter the father of The Boy Who Lived, James the leader of the Marauders, …

 _Not that it matters now,_ Remus thinks, _Now we’re nothing._

 

*** 

**Twelve damn years of ours**

***

Nobody talks about Sirius. It is always about James, Lily and Harry. Sometimes Peter.

 _Poor Wormtail,_ Remus thinks, _Even in death they think of you last._

Their more…impressionable friend held a special place in Remus’ heart. Peter had always been an outsider which Remus could relate to. Neither of them were as loud and brilliant as James and Sirius. People noticed Remus more because he got better grades and Sirius and James seemed to like him better. But in the end, in Remus’ mind it was James & Sirius and Remus & Peter, if there ever had been an order to their madness.

To outsiders it had been James, Sirius and Remus, and then Peter, the boy who followed them around. Remus knows this. They’ve always known. It still doesn’t change the facts for him. He knows how sweet Peter was, how caring he could be, how much he could achieve if people believed in him -  becoming an Animagus was no small feat - and how deep down he was a Gryffindor. If him going after Sirius hadn’t proven that, nothing would.

 

_Sirius._

 

~

 

Even after Sirius comes back - if it could be called that - after twelve years, there is a certain quiet about the lost time. People don’t speak about his years in Azkaban.

 _Not much to say, I suppose,_ Remus thinks. _Not for them. Not even for me. I could talk about it with Sirius but we both know already. We both know what is lost and we both know we can never get it back._

The Sirius Black that Remus had known, had fallen in love with as a young teenager, is long dead.

 

***

**You stole me**

***

**Past**

When Remus had first noticed his eyes lingering too long on Sirius’ face and his heart beating faster when Sirius smiled at a joke he had made - all the signs of a crush - he had been fourteen. It had taken them years until they achieved anything more than nights forgotten in daylight and casual chatter.

 

Before he let himself fall completely into love, Remus had been guarded, despite his trust in his friends. He had been cautious ahnd ready for the life of a werewolf. As great as his friends were, he had expected them to all go their own way eventually. Boyhood friends didn’t move into a big mansion and live together for ever. He knew he would have to transform alone again, to live on the outskirts of wizarding society.

But once he let himself fall for Sirius (and got love in return), he had dared start hoping for more. He and Sirius moved in together after Hogwarts and Remus didn’t have to be alone. Not for transformations, not for anything.

~

When Sirius was in Azkaban, Remus was paralyzed. He had let himself dream for the past few years that he could live a normal life. The reality of his lycanthropy and loneliness caught up with him fast. He found he couldn’t feel the way he had, before. He couldn’t accept this life easily. He had had it all and now he hated being without it. If he had never fallen in love with Sirius, he would have been going on with his life now, not miserable and crying about an impossible future he had dreamt of.

 

*** 

**I don't dare to try again**

*** 

**Present**

Remus stares at Sirius for a long time before stepping aside to let him in. Sirius mumbles something about an order from Dumbledore to stay with Remus for a while, and Remus nods absent-mindedly.

During the weeks they spend together they eventually fall into a friendly rhythm. Sirius has tea brewing by the time Remus wakes up and wordlessly Remus makes them breakfast to go with it. Their conversations come a bit easier and Sirius doesn’t start shaking every time an old memory reminds them of Peter. Things get better.

One day, Remus accidentally touches Sirius’ hand when reaching out for a water glass. Sirius doesn’t move his hand, just stays still, daring Remus to make the next move.

Remus can tell that Sirius would be open to at least discussing their past, but doesn’t dare try. It’s been too long. It’s been too painful.

 

***

**They said time will heal**

**And time will mend**

***

**Past**

Remus waited for years, hoping to one day wake up feeling normal again. Everybody had told him that time will be his healer, that he needs to grieve and eventually get over what has happened. And yet it didn’t seem to be doing the trick. No day was easier than the one before.

He did get better at hiding it. No more drinking in public, no more desperate visits to an old Order friend to heal him after a vicious full moon. He got to the point where his pain - strong as it ever was - could be hidden.

 _Maybe that’s what they mean, when they say ‘time heals all,’_ Remus thought, _That time teaches you how to hide. Maybe they’re all crying and raging inside every day like I am, pretending not to._

 

***

**And on Halloween**

**The last time you left**

**If I knew you were never coming back**

**I would've held on to that last day**

***

The day Sirius left to check on James and Lily had been absurdly normal.

 

 **Past**  

The tension in their household had been increasing with every week that went on with secrets between them due to their separate missions, but Sirius and Remus had still been holding on to their normalcy as much as they could. They even kept their tradition of seeing a muggle movie every month when they were both home. They still made love, although it had become much less frequent. Neither commented on it. Couples went through dry spells, they wouldn’t be the first not to want to have sex in the middle of a war that was killing their loved ones.

They didn’t make as many jokes anymore, especially since the prophecy about the Potters had been revealed. Since then, any mention at all of James or Lily seemed to drive Sirius into a state of fury and Sirius would leave the house, saying he had to go to work.

31st of October 1981 was just like any other day in their now-quiet house. Sirius spent most of the day at the ministry for Auror paperwork and their dinner was calm.

Remus could tell something was on Sirius’ mind but was preoccupied himself about the next mission he had to go on. Another pack mission from Dumbledore. His success in bringing in two werewolves last June had made Dumbledore even pushier about sending him out on these trips. He hated going on them, especially because he had to be lying to Sirius, but he was too grateful to the man to refuse him anything.

Remus imagined Sirius’ look of concern was due to a similar reason. It almost looked like Sirius was trying to solve a puzzle. Perhaps they were closer to outing out another Deatheater. Sirius had been on a lot of investigations of the sort, using his knowledge of his parents’ friends to his advantage.

It would never have crossed Remus’ mind that the chilli con carne they’re eating would be their last meal together.

 

***

**Instead of “Here's your keys”**

**The last thing I'd say would be “I love you”**

**Just in case**

***

**Past**

Sirius got up abruptly before he finished his plate. That was unusual for him even right before he went on a mission, and it gave Remus a small pause that he dismissed.

“I need to go check on a potion we’ve been working on at the office,” Sirius said in a visibly rehearsed way. Sirius, as good a liar as he was, was not good at lying to Remus. Maybe it was because they lived together, maybe it was because, like Remus, he hated lying to his lover and wanted to be found out, to be confronted so he could confess.

Many times Remus had wished Sirius would badger him about his secret missions for Dumbledore so he could tell the truth without feeling guilty. Remus finished the bite in his mouth before responding with a short “Alright.”

Sirius got up to leave and Remus kept eating, staring at the now-empty seat before him. After a few minutes of Sirius’ noise in the doorway not disappearing, he got up and looked to see what he was doing there still.

“Something wrong? I thought you would have apparated by now,” he said, approaching Sirius who seemed to be looking for something in the drawers next to their door.

“I can’t find my keys,” Sirius said slowly, presumably to Remus although he was staring at the wall.

“Oh, you’re not apparating?”

“No, faster to drive compared to the elaborate loops they make you go through to apparate there,” Sirius replied, words coming to him easier this time.

“I know where your keys are, don’t worry,” Remus said, trying to ignore Sirius’ nervous behavior. Sirius had charmed the keys to not be Accio’d. _Bet he’s regretting that just about now,_ Remus thought. Remus went into their living room and grabbed the keys from on top of their coffee table.

Seeing him return with the keys, Sirius looked at Remus with a sad, confused look for a moment before putting on his best cheeky ‘I’m Sirius Black, aren’t I great?’ smile he used to use on girls in their Hogwarts years.

“Here you go Padfoot,” Remus said, spreading out his right hand with the keys.

“Thanks Moony,” Sirius said, grabbing the keys from his palm.

 

***

**“I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby”**

*** 

**Past**

It had taken Remus a long time to open up to the Marauders. Even as an eleven-year-old he had had incredible self-control, enough to hold back any thought or laughter, something even most adults cannot do.

Once Remus _had_ opened up, it had felt to the Marauders as if they had learned a new language and suddenly understood millions of people who they had no clue about before. Remus wasn’t just a shy bookworm - although he was that too, yes - but he was many other things.

Remus was a devious pranking mastermind who would remind them softly that if they were to want McGonagall to have blue hair for days and not minutes, they need only add more horned slug into their potion.

Remus was intelligent in a way that even his consistently good grades didn’t give away. He would always know the answer to any question asked by a Professor but only write it down on his paper, not say it out loud unless asked.

Remus was compassionate, regardless of his silence against his friends’ bullying of others. Over the years, he had taught them to be less mean, one less cursed first year at a time.

Remus was funny, in a dry, sarcastic kind of way and his humor was often too dark to even be noticed, if any other student happened to hear. The kind, soft-faced Remus didn’t strike anybody as the one with the darkest sense of humor. Once James had repeated one of Remus’ jokes to other Gryffindors in the common room to be faced with shocked and offended faces, along with a “Merlin, Potter!” from Lily.

They knew why everybody thought of Remus as only the innocent, kind boy. Because Remus was only ever relaxed and himself when he was alone with the Marauders. That’s when he talked without thinking too much and did not worry about sounding too aggressive or offending people. He knew he could say whatever he wanted when he was with them.

Like an onion, Sirius had found a few more layers to peel off after he thought Remus had shown them everything. Towards the end of their seventh year, Sirius and Remus had started spending more alone time and had gotten more tight-knit than ever before. One night they were on top of one of the towers and Sirius was smoking, Remus told him about his father. That conversation had made Sirius feel closer to Remus than making love had.

There was also smaller things: Remus’ crooked smile that only Sirius ever saw because Remus didn’t seem to ever smile as widely with others as he did when they were alone. Remus’ sappy words that seemed to swim out of his mouth whenever they met again after more than a few days apart.

Remus allowed himself to be weak in front of Sirius, in good and bad ways. He let Sirius see him cry but he also felt confident enough to yell at Sirius if he was being unreasonable. The first time Remus had yelled at him Sirius had been shocked, mouth hanging open for ten full seconds. A blushing Remus had apologized then. Eventually they were both comfortable enough with each other that Sirius knew the _real_ Remus, and Remus knew Sirius better than anybody except James Potter. He reckoned he might even know Sirius a bit better, if you include all the romantic things they shared.

 

***

**I'll be with you someday**

***

**Present**

Sirius falls through the veil and Remus goes through stages of grief he didn’t know existed. He has done the usual denial, anger, bargaining, etc. Merlin knows Dumbledore had had to turn him away more than once about the veil potentially not being ‘final.’ Remus was familiar with grief. Much too familiar.

What Remus hadn’t expected was waves of rage and sadness hitting him again and again. It seemed he wasn’t done with any of the stages of grief; they were all coming at him at once. Months after he thought he had accepted Sirius’ death he would suddenly get a surge of madness, convincing himself that it hadn’t been Sirius that night in the Department of Mysteries. Or the Veil hadn’t been a real one, but a portkey of sorts.

It is Tonks, surprisingly, who calms him down. Sirius had been slightly annoyed by Tonks’ advances towards Remus (trying to laugh them off, downplaying them but glaring at Tonks later when he thought Remus couldn’t see). It’s ironic that Tonks seems determined to help Remus without downplaying Sirius and Remus’ relationship. Instead, Tonks listens for hours and hours about the great life the Marauders had had, the intimacy Sirius had shared with Remus. She laughs with the pranks retold and cries with Remus with the betrayals.

In the end, Remus is left not exactly happy but Tonks does manage to coax him out of his depression with one wise sentence: “You will be with him again, you know. Some day.”

 

***

**Take down my mirror**

**My pictures of costumes and you**

**Put aside posters and books and aged fortunes**

**And all that reminds me of you**

***

(http://www.sexpistolsofficial.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/gstqflag20.jpg)  


**Past**

It was a matter of weeks before Remus got an eviction notice. Sirius’ family members had claimed “right of inheritance” as Sirius would never come out of Azkaban. Once that was accepted, Sirius’ will was contested at court and his attempt at leaving his fortune to a werewolf was laughed off. Sirius had foreseen this and had listed James as his first beneficiary, and Remus second, knowing that James would take care of Remus. With James gone, Remus’ was the only name in there but ignored by ministry officials. In truth, Remus’ name didn’t even have to be there since werewolves were not allowed more than a thousand galleons to their name, let alone a house like this. They had known this but Sirius hadn’t felt right not mentioning Remus in his will.

When he read the letter Remus laughed a bitter laugh. He was dying between these walls anyway. Every corner was filled with Sirius. Weeks later, their unchanged sheets (he couldn’t sleep in their bed) still smelled like Sirius. Like them. Remus laid down on their bed, hugged Sirius’ pillow and cried for hours.

He had been given two weeks but he did not wait. He got to work the next day to pack. He first packed what was his own property - almost only his clothing and tools from his school days, neatly fitting in his Hogwarts trunk. There were a few additions like t-shirts from concerts they had been to, but all in all they fit in his trunk without so much as a shrinking spell.

When he started taking down the pictures around the house, he broke down after the second one. It took him hours until he got the courage to do it again. A similar cycle happened whenever a particularly fond memory came to him as he picked up their photos and belongings. Cleaning the study had been a nightmare. Sirius had kept all their notes and prank plans from their Hogwarts days, including the silly notes passed in class.

Remus forced himself to go through them quickly, lying to himself that maybe he would find evidence that would be useful, that would explain why Sirius had done what he had done. The parchments passed around in class were mostly yellowed with time and crumpled up, but he noticed one was charmed to be straight and bright as if new, and was separated from the others in the bottom drawer.

 

_Me too._

 

Remus was confused for a moment before he remembered. Sirius had told him that he had loved him and Remus had answered only with a blush, unable to say it back. He’d muttered a quick “we have class,” and walked with Sirius to their Charms class. After a few minutes of ignored lecture, Remus had passed Sirius the note with a red face and twitch of a smile.

He couldn’t believe that Sirius had kept it. Of course after that day, until James and Lily’s death they had both told each other that they loved each other many, many times. Remus would never have guessed that Sirius would feel so attached to the first time he wrote “me too,” not even a proper “I love you.”

He packed all of Sirius’ books and notes in big boxes, to be sent to storage and hopefully not burnt by the Blacks. He had no claim to them, after all. He kept the charmed note and a few pictures, telling himself that technically any picture he’s in belongs to him as much as Sirius, and the note had been written by Remus after all.

~

Their bedroom he left last, even after packing the glassware in the kitchen that he wasn’t even sure needed packing - maybe they had plans to sell the house with furniture included.

As soon as he stood by the doorway he felt the pain in his chest that he was now accustomed to. He felt like his world was falling apart again and again every time it hit him.

 _It will be good not being in this house,_ he lied to himself, _Less reminders of him._

He walked on shaky legs into their bedroom. Not wanting to look at their bed, he turned left to see Sirius’ full-length mirror. Remus had used it too, but they both knew who they had really bought it for. Not that Remus was complaining; most of their money was Sirius’ anyway, he could buy whatever he wanted.

Remus looked at himself for a moment before Accio’ing a blanket and wrapping it around the mirror. The ghost of a man he caught the glimpse of in that mirror scared him. He murmured a spell that sent the mirror slowly bobbling down the corridor and on top of the rest of the boxes labeled Sirius Black.

He took a deep breath and turned to look at their bed, on top of which was the poster of a muggle English flag and their queen with words over her mouth and eyes: “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN,” it said, “SEX PISTOLS.” He couldn’t help but smile. Sirius had been so proud when he had found this poster at a muggle shop for Remus. They were one of Remus’ favorite bands and Sirius, after finding out that they weren’t touring any more, had spent a long time to find a good present about them for Remus. “It’s an original,” he had beamed as he presented it, “From the ’77 tour promotions, given out to muggle shops.”

That wasn’t the only clear memory in his mind. Everything he touched or saw in this room had history. Sirius’ red t-shirt, carelessly slung onto their armchair, was the very same one he had worn when Remus had agreed to move in with him. Remus knew because Sirius had deemed it his lucky shirt and put it on whenever he had an important appointment or dangerous mission. The quill on their bedside table on his side was the very same one he used almost nightly to take notes or write letters and Sirius had taken a habit of playing with it to distract Remus from writing. Once or twice he had done it in his Animagus form, turning it into a game.

Remus folded the poster neatly and put it on an unnamed pile on their bed with the few books he had had laying around in their bedroom, as well as some parchments and notes from both of their sides. When he was done cleaning out the rest of the bedroom, he laid down next to the pile and cried.

 

*******

**With a pat on the back they say "Honey, it's time to move on**

**I'm sure we can find you a hobby now that he's gone"**

***

**Past**

The Order’s concern and interest in Remus had come in waves. Immediately after the events of Halloween of 1981, they had been buzzing around him, dropping by constantly, trying to support him. Then they had decided that Remus needed time alone, and respected his wishes for space. A few months later, they had gone back to sending owls consistently and popping up in his apartment if he did not reply in a timely manner.

They seemed determined to get him out of his rut. They would give him small tasks to make him feel better sometimes, mostly translation work. He did so quietly, and did not reject the small amount of compensation they gave him. He needed it, after all.

Eventually, finding him stable away, they faded away, as acquaintances do. Remus was grateful he no longer had to explain his lack of social (or otherwise) life to people anymore. Elphias Doge had even tried to get him into knitting. Knitting!

 _What an absurd idea,_ Remus couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought, _A werewolf knitting scarves!_

 

***

**I stole you**

*** 

**Past**

Sirius’ stories upon his return were often painful to hear. They were stories of happiness and sorrow a long time past and Remus was reliving it. He couldn’t complain because it was sort of cathartic and he knew poor Sirius had been reliving them daily in Azkaban without a way out.

The most surprising and painful thing to hear had been that Sirius had convinced James to make Peter the Secret Keeper _because_ he loved him.

“I couldn’t keep it from you, Remus,” Sirius had sobbed to him as he explained, “I couldn’t trust myself. I loved you too much.”

Remus looked at the broken man before him and wondered what his life would have been like if Remus Lupin had never been a part of it.

 

***

**I don't dare to try again**

**They said time will heal**

**And time will mend**

*** 

**Past**

When Sirius starts sleeping in Remus’ bed in his Animagus form, Remus welcomes him with a chuckle. When he starts sleeping in his human form, Remus makes no comment, scared to ruin the moment. Slowly but surely, they start touching again. It almost feels like they are back in fourth year when touching was all they craved, all they understood.

He’s scared to ask for more, as Sirius kisses his chin gently from behind him. He waits for things to feel easier, more natural - like they should when two people are meant to be together.

 _Time,_ he knows, _Time is what we need. We can be like we were, or some version of it. We can heal back from this._

 

***

**And on Halloween**

**The last time you left**

**If I knew you were never coming back**

**I would've held on to that last day**

**Instead of “Here's your keys”**

**The last thing I'd say would be “I love you”**

**Just in case**

***

**Present**

Remus relives their last day countless times in his head. From the most trite detail like how he should have used less tomato in the meal - maybe that’s why Sirius hadn’t finished his plate - to the unspoken words between them.

Why hadn’t he told him he loved him? Why hadn’t he asked for a quick cuddle or a hug before Sirius left for ‘work?’ There had been a time where every other word they told each other was full of love and affection.

 

**Past**

“’Right babe, we’ll see you in an hour or so, this shouldn’t take long,” Sirius said as he drew Remus closer by his waist. “Don’t cry in my absence, you know I’ll be thinking of you,” he continued and kissed Remus deeply.  
“Merlin’s beard - stop being such poofs and get a move on, Padfoot! We’ll be late,” James said, making a big show of rolling his eyes and sighing. “I’m gagging here.”

“Love you,” Remus said, smiling and waving goodbye to Sirius.

“Love you too Moony-kins,” James replied sarcastically, blowing him kisses.

“No,” Sirius said in fake anger, “Only me! Only I am allowed to say that.” He turned to Remus. “Love you too. See you soon!”

 

**Present**

So why hadn’t he said it, that night? Why hadn’t he held Sirius close - if only for a moment - and breathed in his scent? Memorized every line on his face and every eyelash? Why had it been two hours wasted: First reading by the fireplace alone, then cooking in the kitchen while Sirius worked in the study? Why hadn’t he read in the study and spent a little bit more time with Sirius?

 

 ***

**“I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby”**

 ***

**Past**

It is interesting to Remus, how the other Order members treat him and Sirius. None of them are prejudiced, they couldn’t care less that they are gay but they always are taken aback when they see them together, laughing and joking.

They are not used to seeing Remus happy. They are not used to seeing Sirius’ eyes light up for anybody other than Harry. They are not used to them acting like the twenty-year-olds that they were.

 

***

**They don't understand**

**We were like this since the first time we met**

**We were born holding hands**

***

**Past**

“Oh,” Dedalus said when he walked in on Sirius and Remus grinning over a book in one of the Grimmauld rooms, Sirius leaning into Remus’ chest in an unmistakably loving fashion, “I never realized…”

Remus coughed and they rearranged to a more appropriate position. Less out of embarrassment and more out of social etiquette. “Yeah,” Sirius said, grinning and looking at Remus, “I guess we don’t really flaunt it. Moony here won’t let me show off.”

Remus shook his head and smiled his small, ‘other-people smile’ as Sirius called it.

“Just never came up I suppose,” Remus replied.

 _It never had to be said,_ he continued the thought in his head, _We have always been this way. We have always loved each other. Ever since we met, we have been close. First as childhood friends, then as young lovers, and now as adults. We have always been this way, it is not new. It doesn’t need saying._

 

***

**Give me flowers and cards**

**I'll smile all they want**

*** 

**Present**

Remus knows - from experience - that he has to nod and take words of sorrow at face value. If he isolates himself from others, they will just seek him out and try to force him out of his sadness. So he takes the condolences and smiles at encouraging comments from the other members of the Order.

He has to be strong for Harry, if nobody else.

 

***

**If they give me what I want**

**Give me what I want!**

***

**Present**

During his denial stages after Sirius’ fall, Remus often finds himself arguing with Dumbledore about another book or parchment he needs to prove one theory or another about what the Veil is. Dumbledore wants Remus to let it go and focus on the war and Harry. “There is no time,” he says.

 

 _Just give me what I want you old fool,_ Remus thinks, _It costs you almost nothing! Just a favor here or there, I could have the third volume in my hands tomorrow. I have to know. I have to try everything before I accept it._

 

***

**I don't dare to try again**

**They said time will heal**

**And time will mend**

***

**Present**

Tonks holds Remus’ hand gently at Dumbledore’s funeral. Remus may not be Dumbledore’s biggest fan, but Tonks knows how much the old man means to Remus. What opportunities he gave him. Dumbledore is the reason Remus is here in this world still, for better or worse.

Remus watches the funeral but his mind is elsewhere. He is thinking about how it feels for his hand to be held again. To be held by somebody that isn’t Sirius. It feels like cheating, still. He will wait for enough time to pass so it won’t feel that way, if that day ever comes. He is grateful that she doesn’t push and doesn’t complain when Remus needs alone time, buried in his memories.

 

*** 

**And on Halloween**

**The last time you left**

**If I knew you were never coming back**

**I would've held on to that last day**

**Instead of “Here's your keys”**

**The last thing I'd say would be “I love you”**

**Just in case**

**“I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby”**

**I'll be with you someday**


End file.
